Chapter 1:
"In Which a Woman Falls Down my Chimney"
I ... "just so happened" ... to be peering through the peep hole of my apartment door, when a hunched, gaunt figure in a backwards ballcap & a Chicago bulls Jersey (number twenty three) appeared behind the window of the lobby door, yanked the lobby door with its rubber band arm and entered the building -- immediately was choked by the THICK air of burnt toast seeping out of apartment 7, on the second floor (as I had also choked, on my way to the mailbox, ten minutes prior).
And when the creature coughed I noticed a 'chestular' movement, like maybe there were some female breasts under the Chicago Bulls jersey. I couldn't believe the length of the legs & the pained expression she wore on her face, under a forehead of knotted muscles.
A car alarm began to shriek from my bedroom window what faced the parking lot of the complex. So I left my peephole and my female specimen to investigate, & found a stout, bow-legged short bald man walking towards his automotive siren-bomb with a pair of keys pointed forward, shooting an ultraviolet light from his hand, & the siren stopped.
Then I saw the female-thing in the Chicago Bulls jersey walk across the parking lot towards a yellow rusted Toyota pickup, effortlessly carrying over her shoulder, a sizable, heavy-looking box of red bricks, lift it over her shoulder & place it into the trunk of the pickup.
There was an itching at my heel. Oh, another bulbous ant. I can't understand. Yeah there's ants in my apartment. So I picked it off my heel and flicked it out the window. The woman was gone. The short, stout bald man was sifting thru the trunk of his car & began to pull a large brass bell (like that from a cathedral) out from under a pile of chairs, red metal folding chairs. He held it up above his head & began rocking side-to-side & the bell chimed nine times.
I closed the blinds & returned to my work, which lay sprawled across my desk in stacks of paper. My office walls were lined with metal cages, and the cages contained rats and rabbits, no mice. But there were 15 rats and 27 rabbits total. All male. I began with only 3 rats and 4 rabbits.
I can spend an average of two hours per day keeping this room sanitary and free of odor.
You see I'm toying with the idea of cloning rodents: rabbits, mice, & rats. These days a guy can get 30-to-life for an "attempt to clone." But I have no fear or shame -- this, cloning, -- is my greatest & most irresistible urge. I wear it plainly on my face. I have successfully cloned my own thumb & also my ear. I had no use for my thumb (except to shove it up your arse) but I took my ear a taxidermist & had it mounted on a nice piece of birch. It hangs above the toilet & is connected to a microphone so I can monitor the algorithms of my urine stream.
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I just wanna give you a good feel for exactly what had occurred that day -- to set the record straight -- I just wanna make my case, see? Nice 'n thorough, tho it may be:
She came down my chimney.
You're probably like, "Who came down your chimney?"
It was that woman-thing I saw in the parking lot and in the lobby. Just dropped down into the soot. No kidding.
I was like "Uh can I help you? This is my apartment." & she said "Oh shit I got locked out of my place, I thought this was my chimney." And we just stared at each other for a spell (approximately 3 seconds.)
I started feeling agitated because I was not prepared to entertain. She said "Well can I have a glass of water? and I'll be on my way." And then she added, "You're a super tall dude."
"I know."
"I like the contrast between your pale skin and your jet black hair," she continued, becoming visibly excited like a water molecule preparing to evaporate. "You remind me of Frankenstein."
"Oh, do I look pale?" I accused, full-well knowing that I was pale, because I hadn't left my apartment in at least a year. "I haven't left my apartment in at least a year," I said, walking towards the kitchen.
She followed closely behind, "Woah that's a long time. It's dark in here too. Can we have some light?"
I roused a stern look, "I don't wanna get familiar. I wanna give you a glass of water and return to my work. HEY! Don't lean on the wall like that. Look, you left a big black hand print on the wall."
"I'll clean it."
"No," I said, holding a mason jar under the vibrating whistling kitchen faucet. "Just have your water and go."
I heard her voice come a far part of the room "Whats all this? Specimen 76R --?"
I saw red, "No! NO! THAT IS MY LIFE'S WORK!" and mindlessly dropped my task at the kitchen sink, charging at this ... invasive stranger ... my only guest in years ... here to violate my privacy and interrupt my life's aim ...
"You're cloning rats, like as a hobby?" She stared bewildered at my desk.
I was enraged and lost control and grabbed her by the shoulders, spun her around and gripped that Chicago Bulls jersey between my two fists and spittle flew as I said "You come down my chimney and start messing around in my personal business!!"
"I LIKE IT, I think it's cool as hell!" she said wide- eyed but almost half smiling, like she was amused. I searched her face for a clear intention. "Hey buddy I like violence -- I see that crazy look in your eyes. I got them crazy eyes too -- SEE?" and her eyes went super googly. Her voice was raised to a mickey-mouse octave, "So if you're gonna get violent go ahead, I'm not scared of YOU, I'm from the STREETS."
"Who are you?" I tightened my grip on the Chicago Bulls jersey. "Are you a spy? You know a guy can get 30-to-life for an 'Attempt to Clone'."
"Alright dood, look here, look," she said, and struggled to lift her shirt. Above her pelvic area were tattooed the words NOT A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL, y'know between hip bone and hip bone.
"A tattoo doesn't mean ..." I regressed back into my own head and remembered ONE MINUTE ago. I let go of the jersey, I let go of the girl. "What are you doing with all those red bricks?"
"Bricks?"
"Bricks from the back of your pickup truck."
"How'd you know about my bricks?"
"I was watching you from my bedroom window."
She was silent. Her eyes went sad. She adjusted her ballcap, straightened it out. "Well I'm ... I'm ..."
"What?"
"I'm building a tower to the heavens."
I grunted, and put my hands in my pockets indignantly. "No you're not."
We stared at one another, for approximately 4 seconds. I started again, "Like you're some kind of Egyptian slave?"
"You see my arms?" They were muscular. "That's hard livin'."
"You some kind of orphan?"
"Exactly. I'm building a tower to the heavens like an escape route. How else do you get out of this place."
"Right. Well, I can see that. I've pondered that. That's why... I've become so immersed in this hobby of mine. I know its not exactly right or ethical. Cloning. Like I'm playing God and all that. I want control over matter. I wanna create my own organisms. Have a hand in the course of history ..."
"Yeah its about a sense of control. I wanna climb this tower so high ... well most of the satisfaction will come from building it. But then I'm gonna climb it so high, I'm just gonna float off into space ..."
"Sure you've done enough research on... say... isn't that physically impossible?"
Something occurred to her and her eyes alit. "You wanna see it?"
"What?"
"I'll take you to see my tower. I'll drive. It's only 15 minutes up the road." She must have sensed my hesitation. "Come on. I've admired your work. Now I wanna show you mine. Please. Come on. Hey, what's your name."
"I only just met you."
"I live right next door to you, we're gonna become acquainted sooner or later."
"Steve."
"Steve?"
"Steve Weenie. That's my full name."
"Alright Steve Weenie. My name is Jiximal. Now come on, grab your keys. Lets be spontaneous friends." She even took me by the hand! It did feel good to ... touch ... another human being ... and my inhibitions began to dissipate ... and I was terrified.
"But I haven't left my apartment in over a year..." I protested but gripped her hand with enthusiasm.
She smiled and I noticed she was missing some teeth. "You'll be glad you did," she said. And I knew I could possibly die and leave my entire life's aim unfinished and have left no mark on the history of mankind. Somehow that was OK.
9/8/2015 2:49pm, alex graham
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